You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
You Might Also Like
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Okey dokey.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
early stone age tool
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions