Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
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My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.