Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
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[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down