I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
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when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.