I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
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You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
got so much cardio in today
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?