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Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws