Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
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My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
What number SPF blocks people?
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Seems a bit forward
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?