dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
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Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.