Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
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Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
My therapist after every session
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.