If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
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HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.