“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
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Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Well, my evening plans are ruined