The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
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on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.