My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
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Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Phonetics
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on