An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
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damn he’s good
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.