I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
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do what now??
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
What if the weather talks about us?
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?