*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
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One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.