*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
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if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.