Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
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Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS