Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
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I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.