A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
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When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Yup.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.