IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
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Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
started wrapping my pills in cheese
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.