hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
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[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
what the
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
I’m sorry…what?
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet