My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
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What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Art by Pastelkatto
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Spring of Deception
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.