*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
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Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.