Horrifying if literal: armchairs
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ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Mission: Impossible
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.