me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
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Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
only 11 steps left
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*