“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
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There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.