I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
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[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math