I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
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New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”