Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
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once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
I am patiently waiting for your email
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.