My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
You Might Also Like
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
I triple waxed for this?
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
*updates tinder bio*