All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
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The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.