a fool and his money are hey new iphone
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Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
😏😏😏
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah