Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
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STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Found my door mat
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener