Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
You Might Also Like
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
*orders delivery*
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?