My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
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It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness