Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
You Might Also Like
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
how to exercise your calf muscles
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?