WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
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[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?