The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
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Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Breaking news:
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
#catsoftwitter
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story