a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
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[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest