For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
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For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.