You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
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My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white