Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
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8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.