*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
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Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Friends that check up on you >
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool