5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
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I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
My life in a nutshell
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game