This is my brand.
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Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Blew my mind.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.