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People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.