Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
You Might Also Like
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Alexa, make me look good naked.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
They grow up so quick
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.