JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
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Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
good let them take over I have had enough
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.