I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
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In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Never ghost your hitman.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Worst perfume name ever.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
North and South
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”